I was the pregnant woman who didn't push the envelope in what I ate or drank, I called my sister on more than one occasion before ordering at a restaurant. I wanted to be healthy and be prepared so we did a hospital tour and I signed up for several classes. One of those classes was a breastfeeding class. My good friend Julie and I went together and sort of looked at each other like ... well, here we go??!! When Georgia was born she knew exactly what to do, she latched right away and ate for close to an hour.. a natural. Over the months I battled mastitis twice but kept going, had to take some medication and talked to several doctors making sure that it wouldn't effect my breast milk. My plan was to breastfeed for a year, I'd heard that was the best that I could do for her and felt lucky that we were an easy match that way.
Since being in the hospital we have daily discussions about the fact that I am breastfeeding.. I was starting to back away from it at home only doing it before naps and bedtime. Here, with all of the stress and trauma Georgia has been subjected to it has increased. It is a comfort to her and it is how I get her to go to sleep, knowing that comforts me. Everyday during rounds someone reads aloud how many times I breastfed the day before... I have even joked with the doctors that I was planning on stopping at a year but with all that is happening I'll be lucky to be done by the time she's two!
Yesterday we had a new nurse, not new to hospital, just new to us. She asked me how many times I had fed Georgia and made a comment that when she goes to transplant I'll have to stop... What? I said.
Today we have been here 30 days, today the attending heard that this had been brought up with the nurse and that I wasn't happy about it so she stopped by to give us a little more information. Breast milk has white blood cells, when they try and kill off Georgia's existing immune system and give her a new one they can't have my white blood cells (half of the ones that are making her sick) involved in that mix. She said, well we don't have a match yet so you still have about six to eight weeks to ween her. Minutes after the attending left our social worker came in, she knew what had just been discussed and said that several of the doctors had been trying to figure out when to tell me this... WHAT?? Well, that is usually handled by the transplant team I was told. They have know for the past two and a half weeks that Georgia would certainly go to transplant, they have know the entire 30 days that we have been here that Georgia is breastfed and that although she eats food several times a day that is how she is getting the vast majority of her liquid. We discuss DAILY how many times she breastfed the day before.
If this hospital is about doing what is best for the children then how on earth have they not given me the opportunity and the most time available to figure out different ways of comforting her and getting her use to getting more liquid through a cup? How is waiting to tell me this information going to prevent undue stress for my daughter? It is bureaucracy, politics, passing the buck and quite frankly cowardliness from the hospital. The fact that there have been discussions on how and who would share this information with me is pathetic. We have had two attending doctors and have met with a third who specializes in Georgia's type of Leukemia, nothing... two of the three have their own young children... nothing. I have been doing my damnedest to build trust with these people who are poking, prodding, injecting chemo and taking blood from my baby girl - my everything and this is what I get in return.. nothing. All of this comes on the day that her ANC level hit zero and the day after her hair has started falling out, this is so hard - I just want to crumble but know I have to stay strong for my sweet girl. When will this nightmare be over?