I don't know if these emotions have been waiting for the right time to strike, or if all of this is becoming more real as it continues on but the reality is I'm a mess. I feel just like I did when all of this started, I want to wrap Georgia up and run away wanting to hide from it all but we can't and that is so absolutely heartbreaking. I don't know why I thought this would be easier, it isn't.. it truly feels like it just keeps getting harder.
People always ask if I'm getting a break and truthfully the answer is no but I wouldn't have it any other way - being away from Georgia right now is even more stressful than managing what our lives require. I love my girl so much it hurts and her need for me is what keeps me going.
I want someone to tell me every things going to be okay, or keep going you're through the worst of it, but no one can.. I want some guarantees and that is impossible.
Seeing someone I know lose their child to cancer is certainly making this harder, it feels like a giant neon sign flashing "life isn't fair"..
Knowing that crumbling isn't an option, tonight I took the tattered four leaf clover that Georgia and Brian found in the backyard yesterday and pressed it between two pages of the book The Little Engine That Could.. the page reads "until at last the reached the top of the mountain."
Not sure if this will help...or make sense......
ReplyDeletebut, here is a way that I try to think about Williams' illnesses. "This is what I get to do. It's the mom I get to be to William. If I didn't have this life as William's mom, I wouldn't have William at all. It doesn't make it less sad, in a way it is acknowledging that for me my childs' life is not a given...not a guarantee. And in a strange way that's better, still sad and hard, but better. Every moment is good, taking care of a sick child is good, and feeling sad and like a mess is ok too. It's what I've got. And it doesn't matter if it's fair." kay