My lack of posts has nothing to do with lack of activity, it has to do with lack of hands and time!  Life is good, I am trying to adjust to a new space in the world, the month after Leo was born was amazing, a whole new focus and a feeling of peace.  On Leo's one month birthday Georgia had her first clinic appointment, I was so upset, I wanted life before Leo to be in the rear view mirror but the clinic appointment was a reminder that will never be the case.  In the same breath, I was excited to show Leo to the folks at the clinic, particularly our doctor who has been such a big part of our lives for the last 2 1/2 years. 
Georgia's appointment was fine, but could have been better, one of her labs is elevated that suggests "revved up" bone marrow.  Instead of coming back in three months, we are going back next week to have the level rechecked.  It's likely this level has something to do with an allergy of some sort but nevertheless it increases my stress level.  I have tried to keep myself in check and know that she is healthy.
I am learning a new role, in addition to being a mother of two, I am trying find a balance between natural concern for newborn things and out of control fear.  After battling my brain a few weeks ago I ended up taking Leo to the doctor to have a few minor things checked out, his doctor is Georgia's doctor and the one who sent us for that first "quick x-ray" so she knows our whole story.  I walked in and started to tell her about this little skin irritation that I couldn't decide if it was baby acne or a rash and almost immediately broke down.  I feel like my "mom compass" isn't to be trusted, I looked at our doctor, tears in my eyes and said, "I should have known, I should have known she was sick."  Never in the few days before Georgia was admitted to the hospital when we were icing her leg did I think something like cancer was even possible - why?  I don't blame myself but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't trust myself.  That internal voice that usually chimes in when you're in a panic and says, it's fine, everything is fine, is gone, I have seen how not "fine" things can be and it's terrifying.  This is where I have work to do, I look at Leo and see all the ways he is different than Georgia and try and tell myself that there's no way we will go through this again but I know there are no guarantees even after being told that we are at as much risk as the average person.
I'm a work in progress, as we all are so I am trying to keep my fears at bay by looking at my two beautiful children and enjoying it all, even the pull-your-hair-out, stop-pushing-my-button moments.